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digital girlfriend

It's times like these that I realize oh-so-painfully that I have no female friends. Literally. Maybe one or two acquaintance-level lady friends. What I need however is a close girl friend to vent my fears to. My crippling stay up late at night wondering if I'll die alone fears.
I talk a big game. I love my male friends and revel in the fact that I am an extremely non-girly girl. I am practical and logical. I don't flip out on hormones and rage for no reason or if I do I explain that I am extremely hormonal and irrational. I believe in equality and hate having doors opened for me- it makes me feel weird. I don't even like people paying for my meals... it makes me feel like I owe them something. I burp without apology, get dirty, sit cross legged and generally just don't give a fuck.
But somewhere deep inside this rough exterior there is a romantic-comedy watching emotional cripple dying for someone to buy her flowers and hold a boombox over their head outside her window. I have a hard time reconciling who I am with what I want a vast majority of the time.
I don't pin my worth on whether or not I ever get married and have children.
But I want desperately to have my own small fairy tale wedding. Maybe a few years later a baby or two.
I don't think grand romantic gestures are necessary to win someones affections.
But I wish I was the kind of girl that inspired those grand romantic gestures.
I have always placed my personal value on how and what I do professionally.
But I love to cook and nest and take care of people.
I've always been squarely in the personality rather than looks camp.
But I have always longed to hear someone whisper "you are so beautiful" and know they mean it.
I hate dancing but I've always wanted someone to sweep me off my feet and make me dance in spite of myself.
I am so contrary and complicated. Bristly and sweet. Completely incoherent in my wants and needs and quirks and traits and talents. I don't even fully understand myself but I hope one day I'll meet someone who gets me.
I haven't posted here in ages, nor do I plan to start posting on a regular basis after this. I can't seem to sleep, however, and am in need of some vaguely-therapeutic outlet.
A year ago today (or yesterday, really) my family lost my brother in law. I haven't had any kind of opportunity to recount my feelings of the day and I am hoping that letting go of all this might help in some way.

We were on a family vacation at the beach- my whole family was there except for my brother and his family. My boyfriend's family coordinated their vacation so we'd all be there at the same time. We were seeing off my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend and it was also their birthdays. I spent a lot of time making a really fancy cake. Looking back I feel so guilty for spending the majority of my time with their family and not my own. My boyfriends family lives in Raleigh like I did, at the time, and I had grown so close to them that I actually felt more comfortable with them than with my own family. I still feel a deep sense of shame for this.

The last night my boyfriends family was at the beach we visited with my family briefly and my sister Jessica and brother in law Bjay announced they were pregnant with their fifth child.

The morning after my boyfriend and his family left I was sleeping in at my families condo. Bjay got up early and made his famous crepes for everyone. I stayed in bed. My mother came into the room and told me they were all planning on going to this section of the beach where there are all these neat tide pools when the tide is out. I was tired. I didn't want to go, so I didn't.

What happened on the beach is all second hand to me. After a year I've pieced together a somewhat coherent retelling. My mother, grandmother, and my niece Hila were out swimming in the water when the tide suddenly and violently came in. The water suddenly got so deep they couldn't touch the bottom. My brother in law Bjay had his sons Asher and Gabe with him. My brother in law Tony had his son Levi and his daughter Opal. They both noticed my mom, grandma, and Bjay's daughter Hila out in the water and asked if they were okay. My mother shouted back that they couldn't touch the bottom anymore. Both my brother in laws and their kids got into the water to help them. The tide was too strong and pushed all of them out further into the ocean. My mother had Hila, My grandmother was on her own, My brother in law Tony had Opal, Levi is older and was on his own, and my brother in law Bjay had both his small boys Asher and Gabe. This is where it starts to get unbearable to recount. According to my brother in law Tony: Bjay began to call out for help. He needed help with his boys. That's the last thing any of us heard him speak.

My sister Jessica, Bjay's wife, was on the shore with her youngest Hannah and Tony's oldest Joseph. She tells me she remembers seeing a bunch of little heads bobbing on the horizon- she heard calling and knew someone was in trouble. She thought it was her youngest son Gabe.

Fortunately a fisherman came out on a boat and collected my family, but by the time they got Bjay on board he was gone. Emergency response tried to resuscitate him but he was gone. There wasn't even a defribulator on the ambulance.

Jess and Tony came back to the condo to drop of Levi. When they knocked I came to the door, still tired and grouchy, and opened it for them. I remember being slightly annoyed "why don't they have their key?" I thought to myself. My sister came in and told me what had happened. She said something about her kids coming and something about their dad... I didn't hear. "What?" I asked and she just said: "Bjay." I asked her what about him and she said "He drowned". In my head I automatically assumed she meant in the way most southerners say "drowned" which is to say a person had a scare in the water, but was otherwise fine. Jessica and Tony left for the hospital and my mom and grandma and the rest of the kids came back. My mom was hysterical. She grabbed me and told me to "pray with whatever faith you have left" that Bjay would be okay. (My mother is devout mormon while I...am not. It's a source of strain between us). I remember sitting with the kids. Numb. Hearing Gabe recount the story. Hila was so quiet. Asher would quip something ocassionally about the dangers of the ocean.

Then the call came. My sister requested that no one tell the kids till she got there but my mom immediately went to a room and started bawling as loudly as possible so I don't think the kids had any doubts before Jess returned and confirmed. I remember how she told them and thinking to myself I would never be able to be that coherent and loving. she said: "Daddy is gone. I don't want any of you to feel like there is anything that could've been done to change what happened today. It was his time and if it hadn't been in the ocean it would've been something else."

Despite this wise rationale I still to this day find myself daydreaming time-machine like scenarios where I could go back and change what happened. Maybe someone did need to die that day, but it shouldn't have been Bjay. Bjay is the kindest, most loving, funny and crazy smart man I have ever known. With all my siblings spouses I go through a period of uncertainty but I never felt that with Bjay. He felt so genuine that I couldn't imagine a better spouse for my sister. I don't there is a person in the whole world who could've loved her and her children more fully. These are the thoughts that haunt my sleepless nights.

RIP Bridger James Smith. Your memory will forever be cherished by the dozens blessed to have known you and been touched with your presence.

Oh my golly!

Been a while, hasn't it? Well here's what I did this weeked:
48hr film project
I think maybe you should watch it.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

omg, all of you. ALL OF YOU. Even the ones I don't really know in real life (especially those ones) WATCH THIS. watch it.

k thnx bai.

been a long time

since I posted an actual drawing. the start of a photoshop painting.

Paintings and Brinner, oh my!

so I had to split it up between two days because paint does not dry nearly fast enough but here they are completed:

Owls! so yeah I like em. They match things and are cute. Also yesterday I had the guys over for Brinner (breakfast for dinner) and it was ridiculously yummy. I ate way too much. Here are some highlights:

Yes those are hello kitty waffles and they were fucking AWESOME okay? Bannas in waffles = amazing.

Me and Tu were arguing over whether to make toad-in-a-hole's or just scrambled eggs. Then Eddie chimes in that he would like BOTH. So both were made. The toad-in-a-hole's are the pieces of toast with an egg in the middle.
Some action shots:





aaaand gone....

We watched breakfast club during the meal and rounded off the evening with some rockband and the creation of jello shots for Allans party (today). All in all a pretty rad evening.

painting day

Today's goal is to get some paintings done. Here is a quick photoshop layout of the painting Im gonna do for above the couch in my living room.

so far my theme has been birds. I just like painting trees really...but it never feels like a finished piece if there isn't an actual subject to focus on. so there you go.
I've also got an underwater scene I wanna paint of a designy jellyfish. In pinks/turqoise/tan of course. That ones for the bedroom, maybe Ill rough it out later.

busy busy busy bee

So yesterday I finished installing the shelves I bought (so many hastles, shelves should be easier than this!) but they look awesome so it was worth all the effort. Check it, ya'll.

They aren't crooked I'm just really bad at taking pictures.
Also I did a painting sunday to hang in my room...the theme in there now seems to be pink/turquoise/yellow + black and white I think I subconsciously chose everything to match my princess peach wall art. hahaha

And finally, in between folding laundry and dishes I managed to make my first ever home-made pot pie and it was really yummy. I snapped a few pictures before I dove in cause it was also really pretty!

I have decided that I would like to quit my job and become a full time housewife, takers? No, kidding for serious. I would die of boredom. There are only so many chores you can do before you are like: you know what? I would really like a baby to clean up after. A baby would mess this place up something awesome. And yeah, really not ready for all that jazz. Tangent ended!


Recently I got to hang out with my buddies Vinnessa and Zach, wednesday we picked up some neat cupcakes from a cute cupcake shop on glenwood. They had a little too much icing for my tastes- but were mega pretty.

Also me and Tu set about doing an art/lighting project I had rattling around in my brain for the last couple of days. Supplies = a bunch of nails, an old muslin flat artwork from a play I did in highschool (I also did set design on it), and two strings of white christmas lights. Results:

The pictures really don't do it justice, its just gorgeous.
I intend on working on some paintings this weekend, if it goes well Ill put more pics up here.

teenage meme

no one likes nostalgia like I do.